Flow (The Beat and the Pulse #6) Read online

  Truthfully, I was lonely…but was I ready to come out of my shell again?

  “I’m not on shift tonight,” I said, flopping down onto the couch.

  “Want to watch a really bad movie? I’m still pissed at Jane and need to wallow. She texted me to rub it in, the bitch. Apparently, the bartender was good. Like she actually got an orgasm good. Ugh.”

  I was yet to meet a man outside of my ex who could give me an orgasm better than my right hand, so I just laughed and shook my head.

  “Don’t laugh at me. I’m totally jealous,” she said. “So. Movie?”

  “Depends on what it is.” Bel’s idea of bad movies were romantic comedies, which didn’t really float my boat being anti-love and all.

  Her lips curled into a wicked grin. “Dirty Dancing!”

  I slapped my palm against my forehead. “Oh God.”

  “Shut up, you secretly love it,” she said, bouncing across the lounge room to retrieve the remote. As she lined up the movie on Netflix, I knew I had little say in the matter. Dirty Dancing it was.

  About ten minutes into the movie, my phone vibrated in my pocket. Glancing at Bel, she didn’t bat an eyelid as I pulled it out and checked the screen. That girl was like a hawk when it came to men. Give her a crumb and she’d track down the cake with predator-like accuracy.

  Hamish: You working tonight?

  Despite everything I’d been telling myself, I began to tingle all over. Was I working? Did that mean he wanted to come talk to me in person again? Opening the message, I punched in an answer.

  Me: No. I’m off tonight. Back tomorrow.

  Little dots appeared on the screen, letting me know he was typing a reply. I watched in anticipation like a kid on Christmas morning.

  Hamish: I’ve been training. Got a fight tonight.

  Me: Who against?

  Hamish: Sabre. He’s soft.

  Me: Don’t underestimate the guy. He’s won his last three fights. He came back strong after Steel pounded him one.

  Hamish: You worried about me?

  Me: Not at all.

  Hamish: I like your confidence in my ability.

  “Who are you texting?” Bel asked, when she could take my vibrating phone no more.

  “A friend…” I replied sheepishly. I’d thought she was enraptured with Patrick Swayze enough for me to fly under her radar.

  Her eyes lit up, and she scooted across the couch, jamming right next to me so I couldn’t get away. “A friend? A hot male friend?”

  “It’s just some guy I met at work,” I said, shielding my phone from her eagle eyes. “It’s nothing.”

  “A guy from work? That fighting thing?” she asked, her mouth dropping open. “Lori! You’re seeing another fighter?”

  “I’m not seeing anyone,” I complained.

  She narrowed her eyes in disapproval. “You know what happened last time you dated a fighter from that shithole. They’re players, every single one of them. The only person who should be playing like that is the woman. Give those fuckers a taste of their own medicine.”

  “I know, and I’m not seeing anyone.” How could I forget the crippling agony of a relationship gone bad? I had this uncanny thing with emotional scarring. The claw marks ran deep and never healed properly.

  “We need to get you laid,” Bel declared. “By a real man. One with money, a proper job, and a really big cock.”

  “A cock won’t solve my problems,” I retorted.

  She rolled her eyes. “No, but it’ll help you unwind.”

  “Maybe I’ll just go out and buy a really big dildo and shove that up me a few times. Will that work?”

  Bel burst into laughter and fell back onto the couch. “Oh shit, Lori!”

  “Like a man is the answer,” I said. “I don’t want to define myself by being in a relationship. I’m my own person.”

  “Who said anything about a relationship? Fucking hell, Lori, all I’m talking about is getting some. Men sleep around all the time, so why can’t we? Stupid double standards say if we do it, we’re sluts. Well, men are the biggest whores out there.” She hit play on the remote, starting the movie up again. “Cock suckers.”

  She was right. The world was male dominated, but it still didn’t mean I should go out and sleep with a guy just to pass the time. I was never like that when I was going through my wild partying phase, and I wasn’t like it now. The one time I’d had a quickie with a guy during a party, I’d felt dirty for a week.

  Glad Bel had let the awkward cock talk drop, I turned back to my phone and typed a reply to Hamish.

  Me: So when do you want to do this talking thing in person?

  A few minutes went by, and I began to panic I’d overstepped already.

  Hamish: I’ll see you at The Underground tomorrow.

  He’ll see me at The Underground? I supposed that meant he’d seek me out at the bar again, which really wasn’t what I had in mind when I gave him my number. I didn’t want to be the therapist with the whisky bottle. That was a little ‘one-way street’ if you asked me.

  Me: You know where to find me.

  There. The ball was back in his court where I liked it. I guessed I’d see which way things went tomorrow night.

  Putting my phone away, I decided it was best not to continue on with that conversation. He’d be fighting soon anyway.

  Staring at the TV, I watched the movie, but nothing really sank in. My mind went to Hamish, running over the first time I’d seen him at The Underground. I’d been standing behind the bar pouring a beer when he’d strode through the warehouse with a bevy of female admirers swooning in his wake. He’d been bare chested, his hands wrapped up, his shorts hanging low on his sculpted hips… He was damn fine, but he’d never looked in my direction.

  One man had, but that was another story for another day when I wanted to mercilessly punish myself.

  I really wasn’t sure what I was doing, but something about Hamish felt different enough to warrant opening up my walls a crack.

  I hoped to hell my gut was pointing me in the right direction.

  5

  Hamish

  It went without saying that Sabre got his ass kicked.

  When I’d finally fallen into bed, Lori was still on my mind. I’d struggled with the whole idea of having a female friend, but I had to at least give it a go. I’d talk to her again tomorrow night and see if my gut feeling was right.

  The shrill ringing of my phone ripped me out of sleep, and I fumbled around on my bedside table looking for it. A dreamlike haze still filled my head as I answered the call without looking at the screen to check the number.

  “Hello?” I muttered, wondering if this was a part of the crazy dream that had been playing out in my head.

  “Hamish? It’s Barbra from the home.”

  Barbra from the home… I rubbed my eyes and sat up. Not a dream.

  “Barbra? Is it Ma? Is she okay?”

  “Sorry to call so early, but your mother has been taken to the hospital.”

  “What?”

  “She was complaining about her chest hurting, so we had Dr. Chalmers check her over.” Chalmers was the resident doctor at the nursing home where my mother lived, and if they’d gotten him in, then it must’ve been serious. “He recommended sending her to the ER,” she went on. “They think she has a small blockage but nothing serious.”

  “When was this?” I asked, checking the clock on my phone before pressing it back to my ear. Five forty-five a.m.

  “An hour or so ago. I called you the first chance I got.”

  Fuck. A goddamned hour and a half.

  “Give me the details, and I’ll go and see her now,” I said.

  Cradling the phone between my ear and my shoulder, I pulled on whatever clothes I laid my hands on as Barbra rattled off the details. Once I’d hung up, I grabbed my car keys and wallet and hightailed it straight to the hospital.

  In Melbourne, six a.m. on a weekday was never too early for cars to start clogging the roads, but I was just
in time to miss the beginning of the morning commute that turned the entire area around the inner city’s St. Vincent’s hospital into standing room only. The last thing I wanted to deal with right now was a gridlocked sea of red brake lights between my ma and me.

  The hospital itself was quiet when I strode through the doors and into the ward. Tapping on the counter of the nurses’ station, I asked after my ma and was directed to a room down the hall.

  They’d given her a private room at one end of the ward. Considering I’d hooked her up with top-of-the-line insurance that covered these things, they better have. I went to open the door, but I hesitated at the last moment.

  Dropping my hand to my side, I peered through the glass window into the room beyond. I watched as Ma slept, her chest rising and falling, her delicate frame almost swallowed up by the giant bed.

  I hated seeing her sick like this. It was always an uphill battle, and while she was in the home, I could pretend she was happy and healthy, but in the hospital, it was real how sick she really was.

  She had been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s six years ago, not to mention the battle with cancer she’d had the year before, and now she had a problem with her heart. Would the bullshit ever end? She was the best person I’d ever known. She didn’t deserve this… But that was the thing, right? It was just natural selection. Nature didn’t discriminate.

  “Mr. McBride?”

  I glanced up at the sound of my name and saw Dr. Schwartz approaching. He was the best doctor I could find back when Ma had first been diagnosed with her cancer, and then he’d helped us with her ongoing Alzheimer’s issues. He’d been along for the ride about seven years now, so I knew the guy pretty well.

  He’d gotten older, his short, cropped hair had a little more gray in it than our last appointment, but he was just as uptight and no-nonsense as I remembered him.

  “Dr. Schwartz,” I said, turning to face him. When he stood beside me, dwarfed by my bulk, I shook his hand.

  “I’m sorry we have to meet like this,” he went on. “It was quite unexpected.”

  “What exactly happened? Barbra at the home told me it was a problem with Ma’s heart. A blockage?”

  Dr. Schwartz nodded. “Yes and no. She was complaining of chest pains, and the home brought her in suspecting angina. When we looked closer, we found a blockage in the right side of her heart. The good news is we can fix it with keyhole surgery. Fast recovery time with little to no scarring. She can be in and out in a matter of hours.”

  “But?” I prodded. “There’s more, isn’t there.”

  He grimaced, and I knew it was bad. “I’m sorry, but the cancer is back.”

  I ground my teeth together as I allowed the news to settle. What was I supposed to say? All I could think of were the words fuck, ass, crap, and a whole lot of variations on the theme.

  “When we ran tests on her heart, we also checked her over due to her medical history.” Dr. Schwartz placed a hand onto my shoulder. “Unfortunately, we found evidence of multiple lesions in the tissue surrounding her heart and lungs.”

  “Cancerous lesions,” I said, my voice sounding thin. It was like history repeating itself. “But you got it all the first time…”

  “It’s not uncommon,” he said. “Sometimes, it can reoccur after years and years of clear scans.”

  I sighed. “What now?”

  “We’ll have to do a biopsy and run more tests to confirm the extent of what we’re dealing with, but considering your mother’s condition—”

  I scowled. “The Alzheimer’s?”

  “The treatment we would be looking at may be putting undue stress on her already frail body. We believe the cancer is extensive. More so than last time. It may—”

  “Dr. Schwartz,” I interrupted. “I have power of attorney. What I say goes, right?” He nodded. “Fix the blockage in her heart, and do your tests so we can see how far the cancer has spread. Then I want to talk treatment plans. I’m not givin’ up on my mother.”

  He frowned but nodded. I could tell he disapproved and had been a breath away from recommending hospice care facilities. Places where they could ship her off to die. She’d lost the ability to control her mind, and now she was dying from cancer…again. The only reason they’d found it was because of her heart, and that had to mean something.

  There was no way I was giving up on her, not when there were medical trials and breakthroughs every single day. Tomorrow might be the day they find a cure for everything that was trying to force her into the ground. Tomorrow might be the day I get my mother back.

  “You’re welcome to go in and see her,” Dr. Schwartz said, nodding toward the door. “I’ll be in touch with you every step of the way.”

  “I appreciate it.”

  The doc nodded and walked off down the hall, his shoes squeaking on the linoleum floor.

  Easing the door to Ma’s room open, I stepped inside.

  “Hey, Ma,” I said as her sleepy gaze met mine.

  “Kieran?”

  Grimacing at the sound of my deadbeat father’s name on her lips, I stepped forward. Tonight, she was living in the past. How far back, I didn’t know, but to her, I was her husband, Kieran McBride—the douchebag who ran out on us when I was a tiny little babe just learning to count in grade prep.

  She jutted her chin out and turned her head away. “What are you doin’ here?”

  I cringed at the venom in her voice, but I stood right next to the bed. “It’s Hamish, Ma.”

  “You better hope you don’t wake him up,” she went on. “I just put him down.”

  “Ma, I am Hamish,” I said more firmly, trying to trigger some lucidity. It never worked, but like the stubborn bastard I was, I still tried. Every single time.

  “He got an award for bein’ the best speller in his class today. Five years old and already runnin’ rings around the other kids.”

  I smiled at the memory, but Ma saw it as something else.

  “Don’t smirk, Kieran. He wanted to show you, but you were out all night.” She scoffed and glared at me. “You were with her, weren’t you?”

  I froze. She’d never spoken about the woman Da had run off with. Not once. It was like she’d gathered up all the memories about that time and locked them away in some private corner of her mind, never to be seen again.

  I didn’t know what to say. “Ma, please.”

  “Stop trying to justify your cheatin’,” she said, her voice rising. “I can’t take it anymore!”

  “Ma, it’s Hamish. Da is gone. He’s long gone…”

  She raised her hand and went to slap me, but my reflexes were quick off the mark and I grabbed her forearm. Then she tried to hit me with her other hand.

  “Ma,” I pleaded, holding her wrists. “It’s Hamish. It’s your boy.”

  “Don’t touch me!” she yelled at the top of her lungs. “Help! Help!”

  My heart began to break as I let her go, and I stumbled away from the bed until my back hit the wall. Two nurses, a man and a woman, rushed into the room and attempted to calm her.

  “Mrs. McBride,” the male nurse said loudly as he held her shoulders down onto the bed. “You need to calm down.”

  “Get him out of here!” she screeched at me. “Go back to your whore! You destroyed Hamish, you know that? You left your boy without a father like a coward!”

  A female nurse appeared in front of me as I stood there like an idiot, powerless to help the one person who meant the entire world to me.

  “This isn’t her,” I said lamely as the nurse placed her arm around my shoulders. “She’s not…”

  “I know, sir,” the woman said, gently urging me to move out into the hall. “But you have to leave. Right now, she’s only seeing what she wants to see.”

  My shoulders sagged, and I allowed her to guide me from the room. Ma had confused me for my father before, but it had always been when they were young and in love, never after he’d left. Tonight was the first time she’d flown into a rage, and it scare
d the hell out of me. She was getting worse, and all the money in the world couldn’t help her. There was nothing I could do about any of it.

  “She’s your mum?” the nurse asked.

  I nodded. “I’m all she’s got…”

  The nurse smiled and glanced back into the room where Ma had finally calmed down enough that she wasn’t trying to scratch the male nurse’s eyes out to get to me.

  “I’ll keep an eye on her,” the woman said. “If she’s lucid, I’ll make sure someone gives you a call.”

  “Thanks,” I muttered, my throat feeling tight as I struggled to keep a lid on my emotions.

  The nurse left me to my own devices and went back into the room. I watched numbly as they administered some kind of drug into Ma’s IV. Probably something to calm her down. I wondered if she was in any pain from the cancer or if her mind was that scrambled, she couldn’t feel it. I didn’t know what to think considering I was blindsided by the rage she’d unleashed on me…but it wasn’t me she was mad at. It was my da.

  I sacrificed a great deal for her, but she’d done the same for me. More than I ever realized. She’d never shown me how much she’d broken apart after Da left. Not then and not now…not until the Alzheimer’s had forced it out of her.

  Staring at her through the window once more, I knew there was nothing I could do by being here. She wouldn’t understand, not until her mind was clear, and that was getting rarer by the day. The only thing that was in my control was the ability to fight. When I was Goblin, I was the master of my own destiny.

  So, I went and fought.

  It’d been a long day, but I couldn’t stand the thought of going home and staring at the television, so I went to my home away from home. I’d promised Lori I’d see her, which was as good a reason as any.

  Thinking about the texts we’d sent one another yesterday, it alleviated a little of the weight sitting on my shoulders. That was a good thing, and I was determined to go with it.

  Walking through the Friday night crowd after I’d just cleaned up some poor dude in the cage, I realized it was a week tomorrow since Josie had dumped me. I was butt sore about it, but I hadn’t had time to dwell. Now that my ma was sick, I’d begun to forget all about the woman who’d ripped my heart out in front of all those people.