Torn: (#12 The Beat and The Pulse) Read online

  I was twenty-eight and had no real connection to my life. No relationship, no friends, no place to call home, no career, and nothing that inspired me to greatness. I was mediocre, lonely, and a shell of a woman, starting over and over, dragging my problems from one life to the next. Reinventing myself into the creature society had taught me to be and crashing and burning every single time.

  I was obsessed with finding true love. True love…shit. The most elusive plot point in my failure of a life. The part I’d been skipping over until now because it was just that pathetic. All this shit over love.

  All those romance movies I watched growing up had given me a false sense of reality. I believed it was meant to go like that—the quirky meeting cute, the humorous misunderstandings, the cute first dates, the perfect first kiss, and all the flowers and hearts—and I wouldn’t amount to anything unless someone loved me. If a man looked at me like they did in those movies, like I was their everything, then I would be all right. I’d be worth something, and life would be perfect. Happily ever after.

  It took a lot of heartache, sleepless nights, and obsession to realise that was not how things worked.

  Thinking about Montana, I smiled. She was cool. Fearless, confident. Maybe some of it would rub off on me. Maybe we could be friends. Her, me and Hudson. Maybe this time would be different. Maybe I could change.

  I rolled over and buried underneath the blankets, but it wasn’t my new friends I thought about as I fell asleep.

  It was Lawson.

  3

  Lawson

  I hooked the barbell back onto the rack and sat up, wiping the back of my arm across my forehead.

  Simon looked down at me, a stupid expression on his face—stupid meaning unimpressed. I would have the same reaction if I were him. I was a complete and utter fuckwit.

  I turned my gaze to Amber’s retreating form, following her rushed path toward the exit. The woman couldn’t get away from me fast enough.

  Amber reminded me so much of her. Her soft tone, her inward way of being, the way she carefully chose her words. She said things in the most direct way possible to avoid saying more than she had to. Maybe that was why I reacted to her the way I did. I didn’t need the reminder.

  “You shouldn’t talk to her like trash,” Simon said.

  “I know.”

  “Then why do you do it? I mean, there are only so many free passes I can give you.”

  “She reminds me of Sadie,” I blurted, instantly regretting it.

  Simon shook his head. He disapproved and with good reason. “That’s not an excuse. Amber isn’t Sadie.”

  I curled my lip and rose to my feet.

  “Lawson.”

  I turned, glaring at my boss and the one guy who was the closest thing to a friend I had left. If I kept pushing, I’d be completely alone. Was that what I really wanted? It would sure as hell be easier.

  Simon narrowed his eyes, and I knew I was about to cop a serve. “She’s wound up a little tight, but she’s fucking great in the office. That place was a mess before she got her hands on it. She made a system. It’s flawless.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “Did you know I can claim my undies as a tax deduction?”

  “The fuck, man,” I declared, scrunching up my face.

  “I don’t want to lose this one,” he said. “So be nice.”

  I spun around, anger rising hot and hard. “Low fucking blow, Simon.”

  He pushed me away with the flats of his palms, his smile fading. Suddenly, he was all business. When he got that look, even I knew it was bad news. At one time, Simon had been an Olympic boxer. He hit hard, and he played hard, so hard that he was forced into retirement. Now he ran Phoenix Health and Fitness. The point was, he would put me on my back in two seconds flat if I messed with him.

  “Someone’s gotta knock some sense into you,” he drawled. “Consider this a warning, Lawson. I won’t put up with your bullshit anymore. It’s been two years. You’ve gotta start moving on.”

  “Don’t you dare tell me what to do,” I snarled.

  Snatching up my towel, I stalked across the gym floor, ignoring the group of women salivating over my arse as I went. Usually, I would stop and flirt, maybe take one or two of them home and fuck around a little, but not tonight. Tonight, my thoughts were on something else.

  Something… Someone…

  When I stepped into the shower, I let the water run over my head in an attempt to wash away the memories, but all it did was intensify them.

  Why did she have to walk in here? Simon had to know, and he still hired her.

  Lowering my head, I grabbed my cock.

  Why here of all places?

  4

  Amber

  The office at Phoenix Health and Fitness had become my sanctuary.

  It was a laid-back work environment, meaning not much happened once I’d whipped the filing system into shape, but I had started to answer the phones. I’d also gotten to know the other staff members, from the other personal trainers and the cleaners who came in after hours, all the way to the sales representatives from the companies who supplied the equipment downstairs.

  My life was starting to fill with people again. New faces were slowly becoming familiar, and so far, the hollow, unsatisfied feeling hadn’t reared its ugly head. I’d given myself an ultimatum, and it was working.

  I ran my fingers over the clean desktop, realising my to-do list was empty for the first time since I’d started working here. Knowing there was probably something I should be doing, I picked up a notepad and pen and began to pace the length of the office. The whole expanse, while neat and minimal like my life, was bland and clinical. There was nothing inspiring about it. Simon was right. This place needed a pot plant.

  Lingering by the windows, I looked outside. The view stretched over the side street, so there wasn’t much action, and the ornate turn of the century building across the road was grey as a stormy sky. Most of the windows were boarded up, and it seemed a shame that such a pretty space was abandoned.

  I sighed and shifted my gaze to the other set of windows that overlooked the gym below. It was quiet despite the dull thrum of rock music playing over the speakers. A couple of people were cycling, a few more were running on the treadmills, and a personal training session was underway on the far right.

  Seeing it was Lawson, I narrowed my eyes.

  He was with some muscle-bound guy, shouting encouragement as he put him through his paces. They were working on a sled-type contraption loaded with big, round weights and were pushing it back and forth across the floor. The client didn’t seem to be doing so well because Lawson threw his hands into the air abruptly, then strode over to the rack of weights. Selecting another, he put it on top of the already heavy sled and gestured for the other guy to move away.

  Lawson braced his shoulders on either side, then grasped the poles and pushed. As the sled rushed across the floor, his muscles rippled, and his thighs tensed from the movement.

  I pressed my forehead against the glass, oblivious to the office behind me and the fact that if he looked up, he would see me staring. Common sense told me to turn away while the going was good, but I was transfixed. I watched him push the sled back the other way, my entire body numb.

  His strength was intoxicating. The way his muscles… Man, I really needed something to do.

  “Are you perving?”

  I spun around with a yelp as Simon appeared in the office.

  “I was working on a list of things to help,” I said, knowing he could see right through me like a clear piece of cellophane. “You said you wanted more women to come in. I was…contemplating.”

  “Let’s see, then.” He snatched the notepad from me before I could blink. Flipping it over, he smirked. “It’s blank.”

  I pouted. “Obviously, I just started.”

  “You were staring at Lawson.”

  I choked on fresh air and shook my head furiously. “Nuh-uh!”

  He chuckled an
d tossed the notepad onto the desk. “What are your thoughts?”

  “Huh?” My thoughts about Lawson? Where did I start? He was arrogant and mean and had player written all over him, but boy, I wanted to rub up against him and go for a ride.

  “For the gym,” Simon prodded, his lips curving upward in amusement.

  “Oh, um…” I felt the telltale heat in my cheeks and swallowed my embarrassment. “Healthy eating is a big trend on YouTube. A lot of women are intimidated coming to gyms, but with that big kitchen, you could have cooking classes and demonstrations geared toward female clients. Men too, of course. When they come in and see that it’s not such a scary place, you can offer other things to compliment.” I glanced down at the gym floor again, my gaze skidding across Lawson’s arse. “Like a discounted introductory personal training session. Or a cheap trial pass that showcases everything the Phoenix has to offer. Yoga is popular. Not everyone is into all the fast-paced cycle run stuff…” I trailed off when I realised Simon was staring at me with a bewildered expression. “What?”

  “That’s the most I’ve ever heard you talk at once.”

  “Is that bad?”

  “Bad?” he scoffed. “No.”

  “Well, it’s exhausting.”

  “You’ve been through some rough stuff?” Simon asked, peering at me.

  The question came out of nowhere, but I nodded.

  “Well, that’s what this place is for,” he declared. “Nothing gives a person more confidence than learning how to fight.”

  “Really?”

  “Sure. Even if you only build strength and improve your general fitness, it’ll help you to feel stronger and more confident.”

  “Is that what you want to turn the gym into? A place for people to get their confidence back?”

  “Yeah.” He nodded. “It’s more about getting fit and building muscle. I bought the Phoenix so I could do something good for the industry. It’s not about looking perfect or beautiful.” He sighed and stared out across the beginnings of his empire.

  “Then what is it about?”

  Simon smiled, a wistful look spreading across his face. He seemed stuck in a daydream, his eyes all misty and star struck. Whatever his plans were for this place, they must be good.

  “I was an Olympic boxer, you know,” he declared.

  “Really?” My eyes widened. “I didn’t know.”

  “Yeah. I didn’t win any medals or anything, but I got to compete in Rio.”

  “That was only a few years ago. Now you’re running this place?” I frowned. “Are you going to the next one?”

  “Nah,” he replied with a shrug. “I’m done with that, and it’s a long story. Winning is great and all, but there’s so much more out there.”

  I turned my gaze out to the gym once more and found Lawson and his client. They’d moved onto kettlebells. Thinking about Simon’s view of the future, I wasn’t sure he’d pegged down the ins and outs of what he wanted to build yet, but I got his inspiration more than he realised.

  Friendship, family, confidence, a spiritual connection with the world, positivity, radiance. The opposite of what I was, and everything I hoped to achieve on my last turn on the merry-go-round of life. Maybe getting a job here was fate and all of this, the confrontations with Lawson and my conversations with Simon, was a cosmic conspiracy. Maybe this time would be the one.

  Simon waved his finger at the notepad. “Hey, write down those ideas because they were hot, then let’s go downstairs. Have you got any shorts or sweatpants?”

  My eyes widened. “What?”

  “Jeans won’t cut it.”

  “Jeans won’t cut what?”

  “Amber.” He smiled and grasped my shoulders in his calloused hands. “Oh, Amber.”

  “Oh, what?” I began to panic and looked for an escape route like a frightened rabbit.

  “I’m going to change your life.”

  “You are?”

  He scoffed and let me go. “Stop being so coy. I want this place to be more than a gym, but I don’t know if I can do it until I try. You’re made for this, Amber.”

  Was Simon appointing himself as my personal trainer? Sounded like he wanted to be a life coach to me. Either way, I was skeptical.

  “Do I have a choice?” I asked, my shoulders sagging.

  “No.”

  “This is workplace harassment.”

  “This is free training. Life coaching, fitness coaching, the ultimate spiritual awakening. Tell me you don’t want to be more fit, healthy, and confident, and I’ll find someone else to be my guinea pig.” He raised his eyebrows and waited. “Oh, c’mon. Do I have to quote the heartfelt speech that got you the job?”

  I paled. “No, thanks. I’m fine.”

  “So, are you coming?”

  I glanced at my jeans and boots. “I don’t have anything to wear.”

  “C’mon, I’ve got you sorted.”

  Fifteen minutes later, after a visit to the merchandise table, I’d changed into a pair of Phoenix Health and Fitness branded shorty shorts and had padded across the gym floor to a row of mats. Simon was waiting in front of the row of mirrors, lining up a selection of dumbbells.

  Setting my boots against the wall, I eyed the setup with an air of apprehension. Of all the things I’d done in my life, working out was not one of them. So far, things had gone well, and a ball of nerves began to form in the pit of my stomach. What if I did it wrong and made a fool of myself?

  Simon must’ve read my mind because he said, “There’s no judgment here. When I was a kid, I was this chubby thing who got teased all the time. Sumo wrestler, they called me.”

  “What changed?”

  “Boxing and a little thing called puberty.” He raised his arm and flexed his bicep. “Now, let’s talk about upper body strength.”

  I grimaced. “You better start from the beginning because I have none of that.”

  “Dumbbells will help you go from zero to hero.” Picking up a pair of the weights, he handed them to me and then retrieved a pair of heavier ones for himself. He showed me the correct way to lift, from how to hold my body to the angle my arms needed to be for maximum results and to prevent injury.

  It was better than secretly perving on Lawson from my perch in the office, so I threw myself into the simple motion the best I could for a first timer.

  I lifted the dumbbell, watching my movement in the mirror. Instead of following my arm up and down to make sure I was lifting the weight correctly, my gaze met Lawson’s in the mirror. He was standing behind us, watching what we were doing with unmasked amusement. Was I that much of a joke to him?

  I looked away as my body tensed up, and old tendencies started to creep back in. Was my stomach flat enough? Was my hair smooth? How was my makeup? Did I have anything clever to say? Man, I was so highly strung it made me sick.

  “What are you doing?” he asked.

  I didn’t look back up. Instead, Simon glared for me.

  “What does it look like?” he shot at Lawson. “I’m teaching. Amber is my target market, and this is what you call market research.”

  “She’s doing it wrong.”

  I gritted my teeth and then turned around, almost smacking Lawson in the face with the dumbbell. “She’s doing it for the first time. Could you, I don’t know, save the commentary for someone who cares?”

  His brow creased, and I sucked on my bottom lip, my forehead crease going head-to-head with his. Why did he have to be so fucking hot? I wanted to cup the curve of his jaw in my hand, stroke the stubble on his chin, and suck on those pouty lips of his. Was that a scar splitting his eyebrow? Maybe I should smack that smirk right off his face…then kiss it better. Ugh! He was so infuriating.

  “Wow,” he drawled, glancing at Simon.

  “What’s your problem?” I asked. “Jealous?”

  “Hardly.”

  “Ugh.” I turned, flicking my hair and promptly ignored him as he walked away.

  Simon raised an eyebrow at me in the mirror, an
d I began to panic. Maybe I’d been a little too mean.

  “I’m sorry,” I murmured. “I can’t help it. It just comes out when he’s around.”

  “I don’t blame you.”

  “I’m not fired?”

  Simon laughed and scratched his head. “You’re in line for a promotion, actually.”

  “I don’t get it,” I muttered, lifting the dumbbell again. My hands were starting to shake. Was it relief or something a little more dangerous?

  “Lawson… Well, he’s a complicated man,” Simon explained. “He’s great at his job, but his customer service skills leave a lot to be desired. He’s a hard-arse, which is why most of his clients are bodybuilders and fighters.”

  I made a face. “And people keep coming back? Isn’t that the definition of a masochist?”

  “He gets results despite being an arsehole. That’s why he’s booked solid. A good trainer is worth his weight in gold in this business.”

  I stared at my reflection, my mind deviating from the weights yet again. I wondered if Lawson was born an arsehole or if it was the result of some traumatic experience. If something happened, what was it? Ugh, I was doing it again. The obsessing. At least this time, it had nothing to do with falling in love, right? Right?

  “Ugh. This gets easier, right?” I asked, focusing back on my repetitions.

  “That’s the aim,” Simon replied. “Though once it gets that way, we’ll up the weights.”

  “Seriously?” I threw my head back and groaned.

  “Perseverance, Amber,” he said with a smile. “Perseverance.”

  5

  Amber

  My gloved fist hit the punching bag with satisfying force.

  I hardly felt the burn and the sweat rolling down my spine anymore. The blow vibrated up my arm and into my shoulder, and I stepped back. Wiping the back of my arm across my forehead, I took a deep breath and readjusted my stance.

  My fist smacked into the vinyl-clad bag, and it swung backward. Ha! Take that.