The Devil's Tattoo: A Rock Star Romance Read online

  My hands latched onto his shoulders, fingertips digging deep as flesh pounded into flesh, a blinding orgasm building inside of me. When I came, I came hard, tightening around him as he prolonged the sensation until I lost all sense of where I was. Then he came just as hard, growling my name over and over until with one last thrust, he stilled, tremors rocking through both of our exhausted bodies.

  His gaze met mine, both of us too spent to find each other’s lips, let alone talk. I thought he’d stripped me bare before, but that was nothing compared to what he just did to me.

  As my mind slowly came back, I couldn’t help but think he’d just gotten one over me. That he’d just silenced me with sex. I wasn’t sure how I should take it.

  He said I was his, but was he still mine?

  After the show, everyone seemed determined to enjoy the last two shows together, so we all went to a bar down the street.

  We weren’t sure what we were doing next, but Louie had said The Stabs were going to Europe in a few weeks, and all that did was make me worry more. Things were still a little weird with Will, especially after the way he’d seemed to screw me into submission earlier.

  As with everything that happened with us, things had gone up and down just as fast in the last day. An incredible high followed by a sickening low. Nothing was ever simple where Will Strickland was concerned, and I knew it the first time I laid eyes on him all those months ago.

  As we stood at the bar, the music loud around us, I tried to put on a happy face, talking to the guys and making an effort to socialize. Pretending. It wasn’t long before I couldn’t take it and asked again.

  Pulling Will aside, I asked, “Are you telling me the whole truth?” He went to embrace me, but I jerked away, determined not to be put off again.

  “Zoe.”

  “You can’t screw me into silence, Will.”

  He let out a strangled moan and pulled me into him. “I’m sorry, Zo.”

  “What’s wrong? You’re really fucking scaring me.”

  He hesitated but finally came out with, “I didn’t know if you’d still want this after the tour was over. I was worked up about it all day yesterday, and I let it get to me instead of just asking you. When we got back, I didn’t want to give you the chance to dump me, so I bolted.”

  “I wouldn’t…”

  “I guess I panicked.” He shrugged, eyes downcast.

  I cupped his face, my thumb rasping across his stubble. “I don’t want this to end.”

  He closed his eyes and sighed, leaning into my hand. “Good.”

  “What a stupid thing to think.”

  He opened his eyes, a smile crossing his face. This time, when he kissed me, it was the Will I remembered. My heart fluttered a little in my chest, and I began to feel better.

  “Let me buy you another drink,” he said, turning toward the bar.

  “I still have a whole half.”

  “So? I’ll get you whatever you want.”

  “Whatever, huh?” I smiled, the mood suddenly lighter. Nodding, he began to move off but hesitated, making me bump into his back. “Ow.”

  Will was looking across the bar at something and frowned, biting his bottom lip, and I’d come to know it was a tell. He was worked up about something.

  “What is it?” I asked, squeezing his arm.

  “I’ll be back in a minute,” he said without looking at me and walked off into the crowd. It was still in the tone of that weird, out-of-character funk he’d been in. I began to panic a little, thinking I’d done something this time, but I saw him grab the arm of a pretty-looking brunette and start talking with her. She was as tall as he was with short spiky hair and looked very slim for her height. All those things I had thought we’d just put to rest came flooding back.

  Pete was standing at the bar beside me, so I asked, “Who’s that?”

  “That’s Mish,” he said as he glanced across the room.

  “And who’s Mish?” I tried to cover my annoyance, but I didn’t think it worked that well.

  “He didn’t say?”

  “Pete,” I hissed.

  He sighed and shrugged. “Mish was the one who got away.”

  My expression instantly fell.

  The one who got away.

  Will had never uttered one word about her. Why wouldn’t he say something? Then I realized the texts he got yesterday must have been from her, and I wondered if he’d been getting them all along. A sinking feeling of dread settled in the back of my throat. The thought must have translated to my face because Pete put a hand on my arm and smiled.

  “They were really screwed up,” he said. I knew he was just trying to make it better, but it wasn’t really helping. “He won’t go back there. He’d be an asshole if he did. He’s only got eyes for you.”

  I could only nod, not knowing what to say, and took my discarded drink off the bar and pushed through the crowd. I didn’t really want to hear reassurances that everything would be okay. When the hell did I get so jealous?

  I watched Will and Mish across the dance floor, and I almost threw up a little in my mouth. I mean, she was beautiful. Like model beautiful. Tall, willowy, perfect complexion with a short brown pixie cut. I looked at myself in the mirrored wall behind the bar, and all I could see was some tattooed rock chick with an attitude. If it were a competition based on looks, then this Mish chick would shit all over me.

  I suddenly felt inadequate. What the hell did Will see in me? All those things he’d said, were they even true?

  Did I have a death wish, or was it morbid curiosity? I just had to turn around again, and when I did, I almost blew a fuse. She was all up in his personal space, her hands running up his arms, a sick look of satisfaction on her face. But what Will was doing was worse. His hands were on her hips, and he leaned toward her as if he was trying to listen to what she was saying over the loud music, but she pushed herself forward and kissed him. My heart seemed to do this thing where it sputtered and almost died, but I was like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming semi-trailer… A fully loaded semi that would crush me and splatter my insides all over the road for everyone to see.

  Will didn’t pull back, and for one horrible second, I witnessed him kissing her back.

  I turned away, feeling like I wanted to die, and I caught Pete’s eye. From the expression on his face, he’d seen it, too.

  I walked up to him, slammed my empty bottle on the bar in front of him, and without a word, I shrugged on my jacket and bolted down the stairs back to street level. I didn’t bother texting Dee or the others. I just had to get out of there.

  The security guard looked at me with a raised eyebrow as I pushed the door open with a violent jab, but I could only grimace and walk away as fast as I could without running. Ignoring the little voice in the back of my mind telling me, ‘I told you so,’ I put my head down and stared at the footpath as I fled.

  This was what I had been trying to avoid. This feeling of abandonment. Uselessness. Trash. I couldn’t help but feel like I had been thrown away again. Not as dramatically as last time but still tossed. I clutched my arm against my stomach, and an image of blood flashed through my mind. This felt much worse than a broken arm.

  My phone started to ring in my pocket, but I ignored it. I just kept walking and walking, trying to block out the stabbing pain in my chest. My phone rang again as soon as it stopped, and I let it go, but when it did it a third time, I pulled it out of my pocket and saw that it was Dee. Pete would’ve told him.

  I wondered if Will still had his tongue down Mish’s throat, and I resisted the urge to throw myself into oncoming traffic. Then I realized I was standing on the footbridge that spanned the Yarra River, water running swiftly below me, the lights of the city sparkling overhead. I was the only one on it at this hour, so I leaned over the edge and thought about hurling my phone into the cesspool below. It rang again, and I almost did, but this time, I saw that it was Will.

  And I fucking hated him.

  After everything, w
hy would he do that? After the things he’d said… I didn’t care who she was to him. He shouldn’t have fallen for it. But maybe he wanted to, and that was a truth too hard to swallow. Now that we were home and the tour was ending, I wasn’t good enough. I would never be good enough again.

  I stared at my phone, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to overwhelm and drown me, my knuckles white around the annoying piece of crap. As soon as it started, the ringing stopped. Three missed calls from Dee, and one from Will. It started ringing again, and I pressed the ignore button and turned it off.

  I knew I should be screaming at someone or bawling my eyes out or something, but I just stared blankly at the dark water passing below me and wondered why. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I always pick the wrong guy? Why, why, why?

  Maybe it was just fate’s way of telling me that I was meant to be alone.

  I sighed, the effort seeming to burn through my tight throat. I just wanted to go home, curl up underneath the blankets, and forget I ever came out in the first place.

  I may have been alone before, but at least I didn’t feel like this.

  I’d let my walls down only to have my heart broken again, and this time, it might be irreparable. How could I come back from this? Even as I thought it, I knew there was no coming back. Not this time.

  This time, I’d truly been in love.

  Chapter 19

  I woke to someone hammering on my front door.

  It seemed way too early for that kind of enthusiasm. Rolling over, the clock said it was twelve noon. The banging was still going on, so I shouted, “Fuck off!” and put a pillow over my head.

  “Zoe?” I recognized Dee’s voice muffled through the material. “C’mon, open up. We’re worried sick about you. Zoe?” He was thumping again, and the dog across the way started to bark.

  Crawling out of bed with an enraged growl, I pulled on my dressing gown and yanked opened the front door.

  “Thank fuck,” he said, pushing inside and throwing his arms around me.

  “Get off me.” I shoved him away and walked back into the kitchen looking for something to take the edge off.

  “Zoe, Pete told me about…”

  I turned around and glared at him.

  “I tried calling you, but you turned your phone off.”

  “Duh.”

  “We’ve got the show tonight…”

  “Duh, again.” Before Dee opened his mouth again, I said, “I know all about it. It will be uncomfortable because I want to punch the fuckwit in the face. I have an obligation to do the show. I’ll be there. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Okay.”

  “Just keep him the fuck away from me.”

  “Zoe…”

  “I don’t want to hear it, Dee. Ever. I can’t do it again. I’m done. I’m so done.”

  He strode across the room, pulled me into his familiar arms, and despite my pent up rage, I sank into him.

  “Why does this always happen to me?” I asked, trying to fight back the tears I knew would come after Dee had left. “What did I do?”

  “You didn’t do anything,” he murmured. “You’re fuckin’ beautiful. You know that, Zoe? I wish I liked you that way. Then it would be a match made in heaven.”

  “In your dreams, buddy.”

  He laughed at my halfhearted attempt at a joke. “Can you imagine our kids? They would be Gods.” He pulled me down onto the couch and cradled me against his chest. “If it’s any consolation, I thumped him one.”

  “You punched him?”

  “No one hurts you while I’m around, Zo. No one.”

  Maybe it was childish for me to think it, but I hoped it hurt.

  “It’s just tonight,” he said, his voice calm. “Then you never have to see him again if that’s what you want.”

  I nodded, the tears I’d been trying to hold in since last night began to spill, staining Dee’s T-shirt.

  “It’s okay,” he said. “Let it out. Remember last time? Holding it in is bad.”

  I didn’t want to, but I remembered last time. I didn’t cry for weeks, and when I did, it almost sent me over the edge. The kind of edge you never come back from. A bottomless pit of nothingness.

  So I cried and cried, and Dee stayed with me until it was time to go face the music.

  I tried not to think about the gig as Dee and I got out of the taxi. Standing out the front of the venue sent sharp stabbing pain through my heart, and my hands shook.

  “You okay?” Dee asked. “You look paler than usual.”

  I took a deep breath. “It’s just tonight.”

  “Just tonight.” He slid a hand into mine and led me down the side street to the stage door.

  Everyone was already there. Frank, Louie, and Sticks were loitering to the side of the stage. Dean, Chris, and Simone were hanging out at the merchandise table setting things up. There was no sign of Pete and Will, and I was thankful.

  Simone caught my eye and offered me a small smile, and I nodded.

  Going backstage, I found a quiet corner and leaned against the wall. I could tell myself that I was trying to be strong and professional, but I wasn’t even fooling myself. I knew the moment I saw Will, I’d break, and I’d either cry or fly into a blind rage.

  “Zoe.” A voice splintered through my thoughts.

  Spinning around with a scowl, I saw Pete behind me, his hands jammed into the pockets of his hoodie.

  “What?” I spat a little too forcibly.

  “Can we talk?”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Talking was the last thing I wanted to do right now. Right now, I wanted to hurt someone just like I had been.

  “Zoe, it’s important.”

  With an annoyed sigh, I led him back into a storage room so we wouldn’t be interrupted. This wasn’t going to be pleasant, and the last thing anyone needed was an audience.

  Slamming the door closed behind him, I sneered. “Talk.”

  “He’s sorry, you know.”

  “Yeah, well, so am I.”

  “Somehow, I don’t think you mean it the same way.”

  “What gave me away?” I asked, leaning back against a shelf.

  “Zoe, there’s something you have to understand,” Pete began carefully. I didn’t like where this was going already.

  “You told me she was the one who got away. Is he in love with her?”

  “That’s not for me to say.”

  “Then why the hell are you even talking to me?” I cried. “Explain it to me because right now, all you’re doing is sinking in the boot.”

  “You need to let him talk to you, Zoe.”

  “Was he with her this whole time?” I asked thinly, holding back tears. When Pete frowned but didn’t respond, I let all my anger out. “Was he with her this whole time? I swear to God if you don’t answer me, Pete…”

  “No, he wasn’t,” he said, holding a hand up to calm me. “That first gig he said he saw you at, things had only just ended with Mish. It was bad. It destroyed him.”

  “So I was just a rebound? Is that what this was?” I felt bile in the back of my throat. The things I’d said to him. I felt sick. He’d said he didn’t know how to handle how he felt about me. Suddenly, I realized it must’ve been because he still had feelings for Mish. This whole time, had he been in love with someone else?

  “No, Zoe. They’re over. They were over before he even laid eyes on you. When he finally told me about you, I understood. He was getting better. Getting over it. Because of you.”

  “Somehow, I don’t believe you. If that were true, he wouldn’t have kissed her back.” Pete’s expression fell, and I knew what I’d just said was the truth. All those things he’d told me. That he didn’t want to hurt me, that he would do anything I asked of him… That I was his, and he was mine. They were all lies.

  “I can’t make excuses for him,” he said quietly. “I don’t know why he did it, but I do know that you and him—”

  “Me and him nothing.” I
t came out so full of hate and anger that I even scared myself. “If a quick fuck on the side was what he wanted, then he fucking got it. I believed I was nothing for so long, and he made me believe. He made me believe I was worth something. Now he has his fucking future back, and I’m kicked to the fucking curb. Any faith I had in the human race before was pitiful, but now it’s all fucking gone.”

  Pete grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him. “Calm down. It’s not like that at all.”

  “I can’t fucking calm down. Do you understand how I feel? I feel like a fraud. I’m the other woman. I’m nothing but something to be used. That’s how I feel. He didn’t hit me like…” I bit my lip to stop myself and took a deep breath. “But he may as well have.”

  “Someone hit you?” Pete’s eyes widened. “Zoe, I—”

  “Drop it, Pete.”

  He let go of my shoulders and took a step back, uncertainty etched into his features.

  “He needs to stay away from me.”

  I turned to leave, but Pete wasn’t done with me yet. “Look, I know Will better than anyone. We grew up together. We lived on the same street since we were six. This thing with him and you? It’s real, Zoe. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him. You need to let him explain.”

  “I’m done with explanations.” I pushed the door open and stalked out, trying to hold myself together. He may have meant well, but all Pete had done was make it a billion times worse.

  Once upon a time, the man I’d loved betrayed me and destroyed my life. Now it was happening again. I was so done. No one was ever getting in again.

  And just like that, the walls around my heart slammed closed.

  After the gig, I waited for the guys just inside the venue, well aware The Stabs were still busy packing up. So far, Pete and Dee had stayed true to their word and kept Will away from me. It was a trend I wanted to continue until I didn’t have to see him anymore. The Devil’s Tattoo and The Stabs would never be on the same bill again if I had anything to do with it.

  Dee and Frank appeared beside me, looking like they were ready to go. Chris had left with Simone a while ago—at least something had worked out for someone.